Why French People Won't Date you

My partner is French ( I am British) We live in England and I have to say the cultural differences are noticeable but not unsurmountable. Through her I now realize France is a country which demands to be explored through new eyes. Nice video Jay.

American woman married to a Frenchman. I don't know if your "theory" is correct for everyone but it tracks for me. Right from the start I felt like my (future) husband was locked into me while simultaneously being incredibly gentlemanly and not pushy. It was indeed very attractive.

Jay, I have been watching your videos for a while, i think you are a very smart man and gifted observer.
Disclaimer: I am an old fart who left EU a long time ago and move to North America, lived in Canada briefly and then the USA for 30 years. Before I moved, I was " dating" mainly American exchange students, after being myself an exchange student in the USA.
What you describe and what you feel is exactly what I recall when I was there in Paris. Is it possible that it has not changed? Is it possible that that part of the French anthropology has not totally drifted toward the humburger/ ketchup/ baseball flavored USA as the rest has? I have a hard time believing this!
ANYWAY, I understand why you enjoy France: you seem way too clever and refined, way too introspective to fit in the US, or perhaps you could live in NY City ( which is NOT US of A!) But to be frank, I always thought you were gay. No worry, parisian men are weasely gay acting and looking too, if you are not, you ll be just fine.
Thank you for your always insightful opinions and points of view. Keep up the good work, we may benefits from your thoughts.

Date to marry. Save sex for marriage, get married and stay married. This is the recipe for happiness.

The same reason no one else will date me: I'm fat and old. I'M WORKING ON IT!!! (Well, not the old part, but whaddya gonna do?)

I think you analyze things too much. Everybody is different. I am French and I have dated French and American men. I don't really see any difference. All this "the French do this, Americans do that" is just nonsense. As much as I love the French language, there is nothing romantic about it or Paris for that matter. It's all in your mind.

The family part I really disagree. But this is funny to hear as a French woman who has lives in the States (but married a Frenchie😅).

Born in France , the only French guy I dated was half Polish, then I moved on to other countries and it took me years to understand that If I want to date somebody from a different country I need to forget about my frenchness and he has to forget about his own culture. We need to stop identifying completely as a person coming from a specific country , then acknowledge and accept that we are in uncharted territory and then communicate when in doubt and scared to hurt the other person. Dating in a different country is very scary but I think this is an important and defining step that lets us know how far we are ready to adapt to a different way of life. Also therapy is very important and I am now convinced that I would not be able to date somebody who has never been to therapy and is too ignorant of others cultures. So yes you are at the right place as many openminded people live in Paris. Also I live in Sweden and I am under the impression that you have similar views on dating stages and that makes me scared to fail at that system.... especially if it is too strict or forced on me. I guess one has to give it time when reality hits and then you know if a person is able to adapt to this uncharted territory with you and work at it or not. All the rest is just blah blah and people staying in their own boxes.Which is fair enough!

Your explanation of DTR was spot on, though we called it Defining the Relationship. So many issues arose because there was never a DTR. One person assumes they are exclusive. The other person doesn't want to be exclusive. Feelings get hurt. Though my best friend dated a woman for 8 years w/o having a single DTR. They would never introduce each other as bf/gf because they never really had to because it was obvious they were together. We called that "Defacto GF/BF" He made it for 8 years then they got married and it was officially official ha

Just be rich..makes dating a whole lot easier.

How things have changed over the years! It used to be: ‘Why Won’t You Date French People?’ Garlic breath, poor general hygiene, bad teeth, B.O., female hairy armpits, arrogance were all standard answers back then!

Great video! I think dating is hard everywhere. I'm an American woman and I can't even get American guys to date me. LOL! My last serious relationship was in college. I dated the guy for 3 months and he told me he loved me before he cheated on me over Thanksgiving break with his ex-girlfriend. We never had "the talk" so he didn't think we were exclusive but I thought we were (who says ILY when you aren't exclusive?). It really shook me and it took a while to get back into dating. I tried dating websites in my late 20's but nothing went past the first or second date. I've been too scared to try the apps. I hate the feeling of being judged just based on my picture, plus the amount of dick pics and rude messages I got when using traditional dating websites would probably be even worse on the apps. I live in a small town (population of 400) and I never meet single guys here. Even if I did, most of the guys around here are conservative and I'm pretty liberal. I refuse to date MAGA supporters/republicans/hateful people. I'm 40 and have come to terms with the fact that I'm probably going to be single for the rest of my life. Most of the time I'm fine with that. I have a job that I love as a freelance graphic designer, a lot of fun hobbies, I travel a lot (going to Alaska next month, yay!) and have good relationships with friends and family. I'm also working on my mental health as well as my physical health (lost 20 lbs so far this year with 30 to go). I'm still hoping to find my guy someday but if he never shows up, I'm okay with it.

🥸 if you cant get a woman its because you talk too much,, 🥸

Practice an economy of words and you can find love. 👍🙏

Interesting video and great food for thought here , thanks!

This guy is always whining and complaining about France and the French people. He probably does not get dates on account of shitty personality -aside from being bald🤣

It seems that hooking up and dating is used interchangeably at times in this video. Grindr is a hookup app not a dating app per se, but then again gay, bi and try men seem to use all apps for hooking up, that's been my experience using Grindr, Match and Tinder so no one come for me with dumb virtue signaling because it is what it is.

American man here. My wife is French. Son is due soon.

Meeting multiple people AT THE SAME TIME is so... dehumanizing? Like, im European (not even France) from quite a cold country by the cultural/societal standards and here 80%+ of people kinda try to find one person and "focus" so to say. You dont pick it like in a grocery shop where you can hold on both grapes and oranges, while simultaneously squeezing the apple juicy into your mouth: you're either focused on one person or you're socially punished otherwise and rightfully so. Meeting multiple people at the same time and ACTUALLY coming up with some insane steps is so dumb and artificial lol. It doesnt maximize your chances of finding someone - it kills them instead.

At long last you made this video and we are all better for it (especially us “Les Americans”). I’m also very happy for you that you are in the right place in your life to share this advice. Keep up the good work in sharing your life and perspectives. Would love to meet up one day when I’m back in Paris. Pardon my forward American ways. Sincerely though Merci beaucoup Jay! Bonne journee.🤗

I lived in France as a single gay man. I lived outside of Paris (Strasbourg). Admittedly there were entire sections of France I did not visit. So, those disclaimers aside, I found French men, at least the vast majority of gay French men, are without interest or worth. The straight ones were of no interest either. Even academically. It’s as if the French ethos conspired to strip and entire subset of humanity undateable.

Have good friends in Paris, met and married a Parisian (we met at a party with my language exchange friend). Having a great apartment at a great address changes everything. An entirely different relationship category. Hold an at home once a week, maybe on Wednesdays and invite all friends and artists to meet each other. Be the best host and guest. Life will transform. Also, because of latest events not a great time to be an American in Paris, but there are still many opportunities. Also go to "C'est pas la Taille qui Compte" at 5 Caumartin. Great place to meet cool franco-american people. BTW, my french husband introduced me to his parents right away at a brocante, but only in passing, did not get into the family home for Sunday dinners for two years

My wife and I met in college in 1983. We were together for seven years before we got married. We were just in Paris celebrating our 35th wedding anniversary. We have said on more than several occasions that we are so glad we met when we did. The current scene sounds mind numbing.

As a French viewer, I feel like you've absolutely hit the nail on how "dating" is considered in France. At least from my point of view. It's probably the first time I get a "self culture shock" this intense. Being PACSed with a Chinese woman, I now understand why our early dating situation felt a bit odd at times. Also, idk if that's particular to her, but she had a conception of "dating" much closer to American standard than French standard.

It's most definitely NOT easier as a gay man in Paris. Fun? Maybe if you are into Grindr. But meeting people, not so easy at all. Just reduce your pool by 80% and add the "catalogue" factor in the gay community thanks to Grindr ("you're one swipe away from something better..."). So no... not a lot of fun unless all you are looking for is "fun".

My daughter dating a guy exclusively for a few months have not officially introduced him to us.😂 American style.

about the dating concept : I don't completely agree with your saying about being slow : actively looking forward to meet your romantinc interest and being active in trying to have occasions to spend time with him/her is very clear in the french culture, people pretend the don't know but they absolutely DO know it's romantic parade. What is expected as you saf later is that you don"t chase multiple ppl at the same time.

Just here to say YOU LOOK SO GREAT IN THOSE GLASSES, Jay!

Are french becoming gringos? thats so saaad...

How about titling one “ How to get the French to date you”?

I think everyone's experience will be different based on what you bring to the table.

Brilliant. Thank you for including the queer community in this discussion. Always appreciate your work, Jay. Merci beaucoup.

Everyone is sexually declining?? I knew I had, but I actually thought everyone else was having a good time.

Different dating cultures are fascinating. I'm a French woman, married to a Korean man and "dating" is different in our two countries. Here, in Korea, people go fast and slow at the same time, at least for people of my generation (I don't know for younger people). You become "official" after going on 3 dates, which was really fast for me. Then you take your time to get to know each other while in a relationship. That's also why "relationships" can be short-lived here in the beginning stage because people quickly see that they are not compatible. Whereas, as you said, in France, we would first get to know each other, and then enter a relationship without having to have an official conversation about it. It would be understood that as soon as we kiss, it means we're together. My ex was Canadian, and from the get go, I told him : "Look, I know that in North America, you "date" people for 6 months without calling each other "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" to decide if you like each other, all the while it can technically be ok to see other people, but I don't want that, I want exclusivity" and he said that he appreciated the forwardness, so I guess French people can be forward in a way, just not agressive in the way they pursue someone.
For my husband, we made it "official" on our fifth time seeing each other, and *THEN* we kissed and took our time. I heard that in the US, it is customary to kiss on the first date, so I understand why French women (on my generation, at least) might not like this. It's too soon. American men might lose interest or think we're frigid, which is ironic considering that the stereotype for French women is to be complete whores. ^^

I wasn't looking for a French husband... but I found one! I knew I was lucky, I didn't know I was THAT lucky. Of course, I met him when he was on vacation in America. Good luck in your search for your person, you deserve love.

French man here: eyes contact is everything at a start up but from there everything can happen and it all depends of your style. However if you prefer the direct and fast approach never start talking about what you feel to the woman; Find a situation where you are physically close and kiss her (on the lips). It does not have to be the first day but it could be as well (all depends of the feeling of connection you feel with her (I mean how you perceive her feeling of connection toward you) . Exclusivity is assumed from both sides from the very start of the flirting relationships. Thank you for your video.

Like 👍🏻 the glasses 👓

This feels like it ties into the French friends and circle of being tight. Impression I get is they just don't need non French in their lives. In Paris and Marseille I found the random strangers that would talk to you would be Americans or other Europeans (Polish, Norwegian, etc). One French bloke was an outlier though, he REALLY wanted to play table football

Remember that "date" and "dating" are American words that have no translation in French. Only sounds like a horribly standardized love process to run away from.

Cinq a Sept......French men will have a mistress....such is life....women need to be comfortable with that...

I am American but I don't get this "American dating" thing that I keep hearing about. Maybe I just have no "game" but I can't imagine getting so much action that I'm in trouble because I'm dating so many women at the same time.

This was a very interesting and thoughtful vlog. It may have been very difficult for you, but it was worth it!

Love, love, love you in your eyeglasses

Thank you I'm dating a Frenchman and this helps tremendously

❤what an amazing video…..excellent job, fascinating, thoughtful, very thorough……loved it!❤

As a Parisian woman (living in the US and married to an American man) I think you have a pretty accurate reading of the untold french dating rules.

Better to spend 20 minutes reading a book

A guy once asked me in France on a date then right after asked if I was married or had a boyfriend. I told him why would I go on a date with you if I was married, so there are some differences for sure from American dating life but at least theyre upfront about it 😊 Of course it wasnt my cup of tea. By the way do you think the internet today and our reliance on it for self gratification is coming in the way of people aporoaching others and trying to seek love to begin with? Maybe that's for another video. 😊

I'm not sure if you intended this video to be funny, but I found it one of your funniest.

Congrats on 100K.

And I like the glasses look on you, but what do I know - I'm a straight guy.

I have always been of the exclusive mindset when dating, despite being American. A couple of years ago, my wife said I'm more French than American, and perhaps this is one of the ways. Despite never having lived there, nor any of my family being French.

That isn’t to say that I've never gone on a date and knew there wasn’t going to be a second, but I was also never into one-night-stands.

When I met my wife - 32 years ago - I immediately had this little flash in the back of my head, seeing us old together. I wouldn’t say it was love at first sight or anything, but somehow, I knew.

She's German, by the way, and despite her having lived in the US at least a decade or two before we even met, there were and still are certain cultural and interpersonal differences. Like the German way of being very direct and blunt, and the American way of being more polite.

I'm just glad I don’t have to date.

It's pretty easy:
1. you go out
2. at some point you kiss: officially in a relationship
3. meet friends and relatives as boyfriends
4. from there on, anything can happen, from moving together to breaking up
No conversation on status needed up to #4