Understanding Trauma - Part 1

my daughter was born not breathing. she was rushed away to be resuscitated. i didnt see her awake for a week. once they got her breathing I feel like she panicked and felt abandoned. the way I saw her open her eyes in complete terror haunts me.. she has so much anxiety at only 3.. i just need her to be okay and I need her to not suffer for my traumas.

Mine is a combination of both.. more little T than big T however the big T is not insignificant. How does that work with treatment?

I got diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder at 26, I lost my dad a few months later. Learned about all the little t trauma that had been present all my life while going through grief of loss. It has not been easy. It has affected every relationship of mine. I hope I can heal both, myself and my relationship. I am keeping am keeping empathy for all, but mindful how I allow myself to be treated. I stumble a lot, but I have stopped being harsh on myself. Revisiting this series helps a lot.

Small t issues/symptoms--
1. Self-esteem
2. Depression
3. Anxiety
4. BPD
5. ADHD
6. Anger
7. Trust
8. Authority
9. Mask
10. Don’t know who u are
11. Manipulation
12. Perfectionist
13. Ppl pleasure
14. Trouble saying no
15. Boundary issues
16. Long for intimacy but afraid of it
17. Doer rather than being to value self
18. Hypersensitive to disrespect
19. Hypersensitive to criticism
20. Negative and critical
21. Impulsive
22. Dissociate
23. Trouble regulating emotions
24. Emotional stuffer
25. Need distraction
26. Don’t deal well with stress
27. Great starter poor finisher
28. Fear of change
29. Fear of unknown
30. Fear of abandonment
31. Fear of failure
32. Fear of conflict
33. Fear of being a burden
34. Sabotage success
35. Relationship issues

Thank you for this valuable information. I’ve been investigating about CPTSD due to bullying and neglect during childhood. I was lucky to manage without knowing the extent of damage it represents. I am 66yo diagnosed with autism only last year when life became harder than ever. I became invisible to protect myself until my teens. There was always a void that I could not put my finger on. I am learning and understating where my pain came from.

Watching this 5 months ago changed my life💯
Plan to go through it again now!🙏🏾

Hurting tonight and I see that since the Big Trauma has been substantially addressed, the Little Trauma is hard to see but very much there in all the lack of not having, ever, what I needed to grow and be happy. I never had anyone who cared much.

I wear a mask to myself

I didnt know the brain could release opioids? Now I know where my psychosis comes from

I have a porn addiction, and use the porn as a way to kill my soul. Killing my pain is not enough anymore. I have heart issues (physical) from the pain, and have an identity, trust and existential crisis since I was about 11 years old. In all these moments I was trying to reach out to medical professionals, but instead I was let down by them where they forced anti-psychotics on me all while my mom was lying to healthcare workers saying I was unhinged whilest she found it inconvenient to bring me up (I was an angel). I was placed on boarding school completely killing myself many times, and draining in pain. When I 'switched', I saw the future and ended up in this timeline. My psychosis became my reality, and I no longer believe I am alive. It was my fault that the covid-19 crisis happened. I am sorry. When I switched it almost killed me, but maybe it did.

The most hard thing to listen to is - when he mentions "messed up kids".

Messed up people tend to attract each other, "staying with what's familiar".
You can handle such a marriage - when kids come along, that's where it will really show.

What happens if you have both big and little traumas?

The annual cost of trauma here includes all kinds of trauma. If you are looking for the data of mental trauma only, the number is 200B dollar. The number is still huge, but compared to the other diseases, it's actually not that outrageous.

Wow, i had that rare "good" none danger, something good was realized gut feeling. A gut feeling that wasnt pain. I am almost 48 and never considered what happened in my childhood to have caused so much damage. But i am careful, this cant be an excuse for how i am. But i never wanted to be what i am. I know why i am how i am. My parents destroyed me. My speech problem i had before i trued talking was caused by the trauma i got as an infant i never got love dad didnt let mom bond, thats still no excuse. I needed them and got nothing. My ACES score was 9 out of 10. With not having been molested unless i blocked it. However i remember way back to infantcy. My curse is memory for bad stuff. Cant remember a birthday because they were terrible but i remember being left in the crib while i could hear them up and awake arguing of course. I believe i was traumatized in utero and i have stong evidence of it. Mom and dad argued while mom was pregnant. Daily. Dad hid her birth control. Knocked her up with me. Promised marriage and to take care of us. He left after giving 2 more. When they argues i coukd hear after 4 month or so. All babys in utero can. So i heard steven this steven than, steven your hurting me. On and on. So Steve became a bad word, a bad person. I am born, what am i named? Steven. Makes me wonder the effect. Was i like, i am bad i am that steven? Atoxic dysapthia is caused by brain damage severe complicated trauma caused brain damage. They did that to me. Everyone thought i was mentally retarded. They said so, many ppl in the family. I had to start school slurring words pronouncing them slow because my nerves were shot. Pathetic, shame on them not me right?

Then to learn hunans are supposed to be social, we need people in our lives. I thought it was normal to avoid people in order to avoid conflict/confrontation/disagreement, anything like that. They destroyed me so soon, so early, i think they were in a race. My abuse and neglect didnt change my personality, it made me who i am right now before i was sent to preschool. I have always been "shy" and anti social. Told it was normal, ide grow out of it. Lmao. It was so hard to admit that i am not strong to avoid people or disappointment and rejection i am only defending myself. I feel some relief just knowing has helped. I have started a journal of my past so i can learn, understand and accept its not my fault.

I also wonder and am thinking alot about the things i saw happen to my mom by men other than my dad. Dad left when i was 3 1/2 or so. The worst years of my life with a profound effect constantly reinfirced until i could get out when i joined the army at 19. I saw mom beaten many many times, i saw her fall down stairs a few tines and get hurt so bad. I saw her raped twice. And lots and lots of arguing.

With all the pain and hurt i saw her have must have put me on the defense for this woman who showed no love, she said it but i didnt believe it. Yet i still saught her love and acceptance, dad too. But indefended my mom at all costs i didnt want me and my brothers split up. I lied to social workers, teachers, cops so we wouldnt be broken up. Never complained to mom about having no food or why dont we have what the other kids have. Why didnt santa come. I was neglected of basic needs my entire childhood yet still saught what i needed. I saw them with rose colored glasses. I kept trying and kept getting denied. Thats whete my why bother trying attitude comes from. I never bothered anyone with all the problems i had. My childhood is best explained as very sad. High degrees, length of time, number of tines of each type of trauma except sexual abuse. It never stopped. I was bullied every year. The most painful and impactful part was the other kids laughing at me thus encouraging the bully. That really made me "shy". Mom said i was just a shy person. Screw here. I dont feel bad for her anymore. I was devestated when she passed 22 years ago. Have been so sad thinking of her everyday and all she did for me. Wait, she didnt even love me. She didnt even try. Screw her. I started hating my worthkess dad a long tine ago but not as a kid. I allowed him to betray be tine and time again. I had no other male in my life no role models, i kept trying over and over. I spent so many weekends waiting for him because he promised to get me for the weekend and never showed. Ever. Next time i did get ahikd of him i never ever confronted him i never wanted to make either negligent, abusive parent mad and not like me. They never liked me. I am amazed at my stubbornness, i am glad i tried. Shame on these parents. Theres hope for all of us.
My brothers and i were even locked in out room at early ages too. Had to poop in a leather bag in the closet and dump it out the window. If we woke mom up when we inevidably got hungry we got beat with a belt. No hands for mom. Dad used hands on my as an infant and toddler. It shames me so much to be as timid as i am. Someone yelling bothers me so much, its insane. I can not do conflict or arguing, i dont yell at people, i could never directly hurt someones feeling never. For then first time I feel a little better.

Thanks for reading. Its hard to share my story. Theres so much. I wish i couldnt remember.

It felt nice to write that. Its nice to see i am not the only one. (Sounds bad i know) but for others to understand literally means people really do get it. I am so sorry what happened to people here happened. Noone deserved it. Thats still hard to believe and its true a fact. But almost unacceptable. Interesting indeed this human brain.

Finally, after all these years of my life, Tim is pointing to and explaining what ive been going through. Im a nurse ( or practiced for awhile) then just stopped after Covid and my health issues. Im 58. Ive had lots of little t and some big T. I have been trying to find this information and understanding for a very long time. And now, here i am, crying and happy because Tim has brought this to light and ive been searching for so long. I was deeply hurt again and again, even yesterday by my family. Its so ugly and hurts so bad. My health is not as it should be. There was a time when i had a number of good years where i was doing very well. But, recently it has gone to shit again and i have to get out. Its killing me. I have Leukemia and i feel sicker. Im stick but im taking one step at a time and doing my best to do this in a healthy positive way. My heart is broken. Im determined to mend in spite of the people and crappy ones around me that i have got to get away from. Im tired of studying them and taking care of their shit. I want me and my life with what i desire for the rest of my life and my children. May God help me as he has brought me this far and bring the desires of my heart to fruition and always keep protection over my children and grandchildren. Im happy that they live far away from these family pawns who are not really a family per se. They do not acknowledge my children or grandchildren. No relationship. But, my children have seen what they have done to me and the pain. Im not crazy. I have my greatest blessings in life which are the hearts of Gold in my children and that is precious and cherished to me. These other messed up people ( family) have been told to never ever mess with my kids. Whats really going to be bad is if these people ever talk to my children, my children will definitely put them in their place which is lower on the totem pole. In fact, my children will not engage in the stupid baiting malicious ways they do. I thank God, everyday for my loving intelligent children and their families. They are so respectful to me and love me unconditional ly. I would love to have my own home again and fill my house with them and enjoy them the way its supposed to be. I miss them and I will get to be a mom again and a grandmother. My mother and father couldn't and wouldn't do that for me. But, they damn sure did for my abusive brother who has absolutely damaged me in my soul and spirit But. I know my God and Savior and he gives me strength everyday to not give up on being healed from this and grow. ❤ Thank you!

It’s sets off endorphins not opioids not not correcting u in any mean way just was thrown off lol

Being a natural caregiver and beyond empathetic you tend to put up with shit you shouldn’t that eventually you lose yourself completely. This is my problem I just have not enough left to give and just broken yet can’t fix others have to fix yourself.

Some explanations do not make a difference unlees you are willing to be honest about your own faults. For example, the pain i caused my children, because of the pain that was caused by those outside my parents, who did not have established boundaries. Blatant truth; evil is evil. And God knows the difference. ✝️🕊🗡🕊✝️

how about…taking responsibility for one’s choices as an adult…and to stop promoting being victims. ohhh…that shrinks the 60+ variables, labeling, pathologizing…and fattening up the DSM-V.

I don't know how to comprehend it but something weird happened to me today. I am used to my mother calling me names, sometimes even using abusive words and implying that I just lie there and am useless. She asks me to do something and I am usually tired and drained. I don't feel like doing anything and even if I help her with something, she always criticizes me and says that it's nothing compared to what she does all day. I usually remained silent and tried to block out of her voice out of my mind. But ever since I have realized that these very people I call parents have been responsible for my hopeless and lonely state, I feel anger and resentment towards them when they try to criticize me. So today when she again started scolding me and pointing out how much she works and I can't even do one thing properly, I replied back. She was calling me lazy, started comparing me to my cousin and said that I am just like that b*tch, so I also started pointing out that even when I do something, she amounts it to nothing and criticizes so why should i even do it. I reminded her that once I made the breakfast and she started yelling at me that I was creating drama so that I could say later that i can do my own work. And if I had to make the breakfast, I should have done it for everyone or shouldn't do it at all. So after mentioning all this, she started backing up her initial criticism and that I am not too small to make breakfast only for myself. I pointed out that if I am starting to learn something, i have to start it by learning it a bit by bit. This is all apart from the fact that I had gotten up late and she had already had breakfast. I don't think she can bear it when I start to sound logical and she is out of words. She just comeback that yeah why don't you do the work I am doing around here and then we will talk. And always pointing out my past mistakes every time she thinks i might be right. So anyways, i argued with her and told her that she can't talk to me that way and i am not lazy, i would have done the task she was telling me to do later. I just didn't feel like doing it that time and also, i do my chores later all the time. So again she came back with the argument that I do is nothing and all of a sudden she started crying and blaming me that she considers me her child and does so much for me and look at how I am fighting with her. For the first time in my life, I saw my mom cring and i didn't feel bad for her. I waited for her to stop and i again politely pointed out that I wasn't saying I won't do it. I just said I will do it later and I have only asked her to not scold and criticize me all the time because i feel bad about it. And really, I had said only these things throughout the argument. The woman never asks me if there is anything wrong with me, why I behave the way I do or how I am feeling since my career is basically going in the dumps. She just assumes the worst of me and calls me lazy and when she is angry, starts abusing me. God, please help me to get out of this house.

Im 45 and it seems i am ruined beyond repair.

This is profound. I feel I should mention that he is a little confusing talking first about C-PTSD, and then seemingly using it as a heading that other disorders go under, saying there are 60 characteristics. C-PTSD is a separate diagnosis with its own characteristics. It is not BPD, ADD, or other trauma-based disorders. They are their own diagnoses. Some overlap with other trauma disorders, but each has its own list. So, the 60 he is talking about are combined from different trauma diagnoses. There are not 60 that are just under C-PTSD. Not that I know of, and that is my diagnosis, and I have researched and learned a lot about it in therapy. I wish he would be less confusing in that part, because we with C-PTSD have enough of a battle getting it understood and seen for what it is among both mental health professionals and everyday people.

How do I get past the resentment that has festered uncontrollably since I realized fully what was done to me??
I just turned 60, 5 years ago I heard the word narcissistic, Googled it, saw many family members on those pages. Suddenly so much made sense. The more I learned the more resentment I felt.

I started watching this series somewhere around episode 23. I’ve sent these episodes to several people who have also been impacted by childhood trauma. Tim, thank you so much for all making this available to us. It’s made an enormous, positive impact on my understanding.

As someone with ADHD, I do not believe my CPTSD caused my ADHD. I believe that ADHD, like Autism, is a neurotype that people are either born with or they are not. They cannot develop it. HOWEVER, I do believe that individuals with ADHD or autism are more likely to experience the types of Little T Trauma events that result in CPTSD than the general population because they are often not understood or accepted by the people around them. Correlation does not equal causation. I also know that if an adult begins displaying symptoms of ADHD that they did not have as a child, then it is not ADHD but trauma or anxiety.

You are very insightful Mr Tim
... and You shine the light.

I just joined - thank you for your content- I am convinced God directed me to your content

This is useful, but there is no "Nomal". Look at history, at the men we claim to honor, none of them were what anyone would call "Normal". I would like to see this person who is normal. There is no unicorn.
The DSM-5 is a locus for power and control (See Michel Foucault).

Yeah and a lot of churches are doing drug recovery like UGM and instead of saying what happened to you, they say, you're a sinner and you need jesus and that alone is how they treat drug addiction. And its a huge farce causing more damage to people who have CPTSD. I don't care IF you're one of these nut job Christians, you need to lay off with your religion and how jeezus magically heals everyone and then drops 10 million bucks on everyone's lap because He's so cool. No one is being healed of anything. And so far, despite the claims by christians that people are being healed, they have yet to show even 1 case where someone was healed by jeezus.

Your talks are so great, you are filling a huge gap. We all need this. Thank you!!!

This is painful to watch I know I need this. I've been looking for answers for a long time

Amazing man
Amazing information
Peace

So thankful for this teaching !!
It gives such hope for
a better life. Thank you!!

Holy shit

you are right about the sensitive children, I grew up around a father that was a damaged person, he never had real long conversations with us, he was quite often stressed and annoyed about all sorts, or he was quiet and in a sullen weird mood. not an easy person to be around. then at age 12 he started shouting all the time and having horrible arguements with mum and being a right shite.

can we self help? I don't have the funds for therapy. in a right mess now.from grief. I am very sensitive and have had agoraphobia don't like leaving home it overwhelms me go into freeze.

Thanks!

Do you give therapy or recommend someone?

At 64 it has taken this long to figure this out. The traumas of childhood are so hard to see and acknowledge because no one teaches you these things. I am finally now understanding why I closed my self down even though on the surface I seemed to be just fine. When you used the alcoholic father example, that really hit home for me and it explained a lot. I will be watching the rest of the series and thank you for all you do.

Big T traumas were easy to understand and deal with the little t's I am digging for in me to pull out and address. I am a mess! I am cleaning up non stop to remove what once helped me survive but as an adult were my demise. I crashed my nervous system living in perpetual fight and flight for far too long trying to deal with those around me and all their issues. Thru all this I was not a perfect parent by far my child was and is my world. I not only work on me for my own needs but for the one thing my child has asked of me from a young girl. "Mom you will be there and help me everyday to raise my kids". Here I am fixing me and helping her to see what is unhealthy but presently serving her. Not much longer left before she becomes a Mom that will be better then me. I will be there everyday because I know that is all my children will need from me. I had the help everyday from my Mom to raise my child. I do not blame or fault my Mom for her behaviors or ways. I take what I experienced with her to stop the cycles of unhealthy societal programs and abuse that destroy people from the inside out without anyone knowing. I would think I was crazy but every physical and financial obstacle is being removed for my life purpose and mission that was told to me by my child. For the first time ever I am planning my future as I can finally see thru the fog it was not all me. Most see the material as building a legacy. I see a legacy of healthy children who can live their lives free of what hindered me from living up to my full potential.

@timfletcher he said in one of his videos that some people become the parent they hated, they said I will never be like my dad and they end up being like him. Why is that ? I can’t remember what the reason for it was. Can someone help please ?! 😢

I got beaten in school every single day maybe till my 15 years old. My childhood was basically me in despair everyday making up a plan to avoid all those kids who were bullying me. But then I grew old and started to tell myself what I've been throught wasn't that bad, and I didn't actually realized how bad it was till this year.

I wonder if between "open & sensitive" And "scar tissue", there's another realm..(?)

These talks may just be the thing that saves my life and I never knew I needed them

A friend in recovery taught me “Drugs are not my problem. They are my solution and that’s my problem.”

❤