Insomnia insight #341: How to make wakefulness your friend and sleep well forever

That was really a meta concept for me, what if i awake more after doing something during night is itself a fear of wakefulness 😮. I was continuously doing the same while onset sleep that what if my sleepiness fades away by watching the phon and it creates pressure. But you figured it out so beautifully,i got the point. I'll do whatever i want do , I'll only go to bed when my eyes will close with intense sleep . Thanks . Correct me if I'm wrong somewhere

Thinking if I go a 4th night of completely no sleep I can get up and paint or do something I like gives a little relief but I know I'll be painting and feel tired since I'm already so fatigued and I will try to sleep and the fear will come back yet again. What do you do then?

Wow you are a life saver. Thanks so much. I just started your app and learning from these videos and it’s helping so much

You’re awesome!!

This is just the breakthrough point man , this is what it is , loving wakefulness and not fearing it . I remember the time when i enjoy fully awake and the sleep was so so effortless and now this 8 hrs sleep being optimal for everybody created sense of fear of being awake thats just ridiculous man. I got the point daniel . This is it , just gotta love being awake.

How do you deal with sleeplessness for 1.5 days, how do you not get frustrated? How do you calm down when you have a fatigue body?

How do I befriend it when I can't sleep and I get anxiety and severe heart palpitations. How do I befriend it how do I make my heart palpitations go away? What do I do? Do I just lay there or do something? How would I befriend wakefullness when I feel fatigue and tires and I want to rest?

This is so helpfull 😘 it summarizes my whole problem

Hello Daniel. Don’t you think befriending wakefulness is an effort in itself? We can try to make it effortless on a conscious level, but subconsciously it is only natural to want to get over insomnia and some point, hence why we are on your channel. What are your thoughts? Thanks

Daniel! I cannot express enough gratitude, for the advice and info you've shared. You are Deeply appreciated! There is NO Better School 4 Sleep!

Fantastic episode! Wonderful advice. This is one of my favorite episodes. I have found your channel through "The anxious truth." It's the same with anxiety. Avoidance is the worst thing. Befriending anxiety is the way out of having problem anxiety. Not easy to do though. It's a paradox like anxiety. The more you don't want insomnia the more you're going to get. Just like anxiety. We are challenged to encourage anxiety so we can realize it's not a threat. I've just bought your book. Natto.

But don't watch TV or play on your phone it will keep you awake

Hey Daniel do you have transcripts of these all insomnia insights because I can't understand some things .. I like to translate and read..

Stop looking at the clock. I will do that.

This is absolute GOLD. I started a CBT-I program 2 days ago and found myself getting way more anxious about sleep. I was not sleeping last night, and the thought came to me that my OBSESSION 24/7 about sleep is what is keeping me from sleeping. A perfect example is that I often fall asleep when watching a show on TV…the reason I fall asleep so easily is that I am trying to stay awake to watch the show….I am NOT trying to sleep when watching the show. I stumbled this morning onto a video about Victor Frankel’s theory about paradoxical intention and a lightbulb came on big time. Then ended up on finding your videos about this. THANK YOU!!!!

Hi Daniel. I’ve been watching some of your videos even purchased your book earlier today Set It & Forget It. I want to get started on the befriending wakefulness but I have a question. Last night as I was laying in bed awake I chose to read. It’s something I enjoy and the book I’m currently reading is really good! I felt myself trying to drift off several times, but I’d pop back out of it and continue reading. While trying to befriend wakefulness, how do I know when to put the book down and give sleep a try? That seems like such a silly question but I’m asking it anyway! I apologize if this is covered in the book somewhere. If so, I’ll eventually get to it. Just wondering about that in the meantime.

i'm on day 3 with no sleep and so tired... evereything u mentioned makes sense, but i feel like my body is getting more rest when lying down, even though i am awake with sleep anxiety... dont know what to do

This was great timing! Well 2 years later hahaha but it popped up perfect timing lol 🎉

I’m in another episode, so anxious 😢but going to try to befriend wakefulness I’ve got to admit I’m completely got wrenchingly whole heartedly deep in an anxiety right now. So tough to want to stay awake when it’s so painful to be awake. I usually rely on Ativan man do I love Ativan it’s very addicting, so I try not to take it, but it will get me out of an episode, so tonight I’m gonna not take any and try and just let the anxiety be there. Watch TV all night. Thanks for this great video as always you’re the best.

I've been struggling with anxiety since 2008. The trigger would always be being terrified of not getting enough sleep. I've been in therapy, I've taken (and I still take) meds, but no one ever addressed this issue and worded it like you just did. The fear of wakefulness and the need to befriend it. It's definitely something that I will think about anytime I get anxious at night. Thank you so much.

A thought just came to mind as I was watching this video...a few months ago before experiencing sleep anxiety, I was traveling abroad for 2 weeks and slept only 4-6 hours. The reason was because I was so excited about the trip and had a packed itinerary, I thought sleeping was just going to be a waste of time. So I'd stay out until 1-2am and wake up at 6am to get the day started asap. I never felt sleep deprived because there were so many things that I was distracted by! But if I only sleep 4-6 hours on a normal work week, all of a sudden I see it as a problem and I feel exhausted/anxious. This became my proof that sleeping under 8 hours isn't the problem...it's the way I react to it.

Great video. Just wanted to know while adopting this approach if I will awake for 4or 5days then my fear will also become more. Because my thoughts revolving around if I will not able to sleep for many days

drink red bull and watch movies with the hole bright of the screen xD

Thank you for this! I have had three bouts with insomnia. Two of them were prolonged and extreme. I got past them using sleeping meds and therapy eventually weaning off my sleep meds twice. Well the fear of not sleeping has been triggered again and I am experiencing lots of trouble sleeping again.
I have a question. I have trouble falling asleep. In my past work through insomnia I learned to stay in bed no matter what happened and how awake I was. So are you saying if I can’t fall asleep to get up?
Or stay in bed and experience the wakefulness?
Thanks!

That makes a lot of sense. And it should have been hard-wired into our mind ages ago. Also it explains why going without sleep even for long periods of time will not cause any dire health consequences. Just think about our stone age predecessors running for weeks days and nights in jungle hunting and avoiding all the threats - staying awake was the only chance to survive and evolution coded it into our DNA

My friend shared me her sleeping problem few days ago. She is the kind of person who bottles up her feelings, was sexally abused in her childhood, has some other dark secrets which i also don't know and regrets that she didn't went to meet her grandfather for the last time before his death. She has been taking Decold tablets without prescription in order to sleep . She claims that she feels fresh without even sleeping whole night. She sleeps around 5 am in the morning and wake up at 10am even after taking decold tablets. Please give me some suggestions, how do i help her??

Before I had issues falling asleep I would fall asleep with my tv on but would have a timer set for the tv to go off in 2hrs, and would fall asleep fine, should I go back to that or try falling asleep with it off?

Can I drink coffee when I wake up in the middle of the night I automatically want to with a cigarette until I quit smoking

hey, daniel.
i had a speed bump last night, partly because of anxiety and partly because of hyperfocus. i’ve been following your befriending wakefulness thing, and it sounds amazing, but i’ve ran into a problem.

see, i’m neurodivergent with a tendency to hyperfocus - block everything else out while working, neglecting physical needs. while trying to befriend wakefulness, i was in that state until like 2 am and by the time i was out of it, way too anxious to sleep. i wasn’t anxious before, which was good - i just found it hard to actually get to sleep.

i know you’re not a psychiatrist, but i wonder - do you suggest anything? are there ways to amend or change the protocol that would help install small time restrictions? or is the “sleep less because you’re distracted to eventually sleep more” thing like. part of the education ?

When I kept hearing all these advices to sleep better over and over again, I remember thinking - I would love to sleep better, but.. I also love drinking coffee, I love an occasional glass or two of wine with dinner, I love watching Netflix before bed, I do not like meditating, I do not like getting out of bed in the middle of the night and doing something soothing. This is all my preferences, this is part of who I am part of my identity. And it was driving me crazy upset that I have to chose between better sleep or keeping the lifestyle that I love. And now I see that I don't have to, thanks to you! This is just amazing news.

Daniel, I’m so glad I found your information. I’ve only just started listening and am eating it all up. One question which I’m sure you’ve answered before;
How do I know when to get myself out of bed if I feel tired, am not having fearful thoughts and feel I will fall asleep? An hour or so will go by and I’ve realized I’m not asleep yet, which is about when my brain will jump in and perceive a threat.

Hi Daniel. For the last 2 weeks, I've been having problems with waking up at night to urinate then not being able to fall asleep. Before then, I had no issues with falling asleep after urinating.

I'm pretty certain this came from my anxiety of not sleeping enough after realising I've been averaging 6 hours of sleep for 2 weeks before my my problem started. After I took a sleeping pill, I think my anxiety of not being able to fall asleep once I woke up began, as I began thinking that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep after waking up in the middle of the night.

I have this tendency to judge the amount of sleep I have as a sort of pass/fail, with getting less than 6 as a fail and getting 6 as a sort of pass, but still requiring me to drink coffee to feel like I'd be able to get through the day without falling asleep. I've tried to accept the fact that I'm awake and that's normal, and I'd always try to fall back asleep, but I can't help but feel the urge to check the time after waking up to see if I've slept enough.

How would you be able to combat this urge? I feel like it's definitely feeding into my wakefulness and anxiety in the early mornings.

🙏🙏🙏

Hi Daniel. The only thing I have energy for that I genuinely enjoy is watching videos on my phone, but I’m also trying not to look at the time. Which is impossible on a smart phone! Should I be looking for a different activity or should I just stop being afraid of seeing what time it is.

👍👍🙏🙏

Hi Daniel - thank you for this. I refer to your advice so often and apply it to so many areas of my life - it has really been a profound value add - thank you.

I’m sure this story has come up a lot: I was doing better then got covid which threw things off. I’m reminding myself of the teachings but see the fear and erratic schedule creep back in. Any helpful thoughts here?

Hi Daniel I have a few questions. Also hope you are well
I notice I sleep well when my mind is calm and distracted/not thinking about sleep and sleep badly when I focus on sleep when I close my eyes. I've tried mindfulness but tbh it seems like an effort for me and I want to get to the place where I can just be with my thoughts but they don't affect my sleep or I can just let them fade away. Im thinking I have to be brave and really just allow these thoughts to enter my mind instead of fighting them. Is this a good idea? Additionally , would you suggest telling myself something over and over or flipping my thoughts? For example if a thought enters my mind when I lie down , saying something like '' I'm going to be alright''.

In terms of befriending wakefulness, is the goal to just have a good time being awake and allow yourself to fall asleep if you do? I'm thinking to just watch Netflix to befriend wakefulness but part of CBT-I teaches you to 'try' and sleep when you feel sleepy again.

Finally your book has arrived. My attitude about wakefulness has definitely improved. Praying an improvement in my sleep will soon follow. I have a question, I’ve learned from you when In the set and forget model that it’s ok to go to bed later than your bed time but the morning wake up/get out of bed time we should stick to. So my question is how can I assure my get out of bed time is consistent if I’m not looking at clock ?

Hello Daniel,
When I want to be awake friendly, can I let my thoughts relate to sleep enter my thinkings if they are not forcing me to get sleep?

Hi Daniel, thank you so much for this i feel really relieved to feel that there´s a cure and that someday i will sleep normal again.
I´m 34 years old and i have had sleep problems for as far as i can remember, same as my dad, and my siblings, i thought it was something on my gens and that it will be always in my life, now i see a light!!!!
My sleep got much worse 2 years ago when i had my first baby, he woke up a lot at night (like every baby), so when i finally got to sleep i had to wake up to feed him, so then my body or mind just simply stopped trying to sleep, I´ve been awake for very long time and it makes me very worried that my kids will feel the same, i really need to stop this.
Now i´m preagnant again and i know i have another 2 hard years coming, so i really need to sleep as much as i can now, i feel a lot more relax since i´m reading ypur book and listening to your podcasts, so i really wanted to thank you.
My other problem is that my mind is so active during the night that i really don´t know if i slept or not, i feel i never rest, i joke sometimes that i sleep like a shark i keep half brain on during the night, i´m always singing and talking with 3 different people on my mind, so i get sooo tired at night. i fall sleep easy at the beggining but when i wake up my mind it´s super active even when i feel very sleepy, but i can´t sleep.

Altough as i told you, since i´ve seen your videos i´m starting to see things different.

Years ago I read an article about historical research done by social anthropologists. They read diaries written about 150-200 years ago before the electric light. Apparently it was common for individuals to fall asleep at nightfall then wake 4 hours later at about midnight. Once awake they might make love, do chores or even visit a neighbour. Then go back to sleep for another 4 hours, rising with the sun. I found this fascinating. It really demonstrated making friends with wakefulness.

Great video. I've been slowly recovering for months, and just this week the fear of wakefulness hit me pretty good two out of the last three nights. I saved this video, and will think about what activities I would enjoy in the middle of the night. My insomnia bear, tiger, lion, or whatever you want to call it won't give up easy.

Your videos are so helpful! I feel like i've figured out other aspects of my insomnia, but the fear of wakefulness i've not tackled. I've always been afraid of the night/darkness/sleeping alone somewhat. So being awake while everyone is sleeping, and being unable to sleep seems to really freak me out. Especially, getting out of bed or doing things that my brain feels might wake me up? What ways can I slowly ease myself into befriending wakefulness? Thank you, I wish this mindful approach to insomnia was well known.

What happened with me sir,
I was sleeping but i can hear everything outside of my home and i can't wake up what is this problem, please i need reply.

This was sooo insightful!! I’ve been struggling for years and hormonal fluctuations around 50 made it not easier to sleep . Now I’ve suspected that it becomes a mental confusion in my brain . This sounds so do-able! Thank you 🙏🏼

If I am way to anxious to get up and do something, can mindfulness and acceptance allow the brain to over time to become less worried? Does it tell the brain I am ok if I just lay in the dark breathing in the moment and allowing? I do not think I could enjoy anything tbh

This is one of my major challenges. I have so much anxiety if I lay awake I doubt I could enjoy doing anything. I lay there but getting up to read or watch tv would have intent for sure. I would be way too anxious. How can I befriend wakefulness if I am so full of dread/fear? I should add if I fall asleep and wake at say 2am I am 100% fine and not worried because at least I got some sleep and I’m chill. It’s the nights where it’s been 4 hours and I am still awake and laying there getting more and more worried despite trying to chill my brain out.

Very insightful. However I also notice that I stay on Netflix, and my phone etc. in order to escape sleep. I.e. I’m scared of going to sleep. Isn’t this an act of running away in fear too and making the sleep issue bigger?

Found your video that’s what I thought associate the late hours with pleasure and it will cure insomnia for long term