Why Fearful Avoidants Can Be Incredibly Empathetic (and Also Very Mean) | HealingFa.com

Please can you do a video on finding a sense of identity and strong sense of self as part of healing fearful avoidant attachment style? This is one of the aspects I struggle with the most..

incredible insight and spot on. It is nice to hear someone put what I know/feel into words. thank you

This is so helpful. Thank you!!

Thank you so much for this video! I couldn't be more grateful for you tackling this subject with the very words you used. 🙏🙏🙏❤️

Hi Paulien, quick question. If you don't have the time to answer, no worries. I'm thinking about beginning as a content creator and doubting whether or not to do it in English or Dutch. Could you tell me what your decision was based on to do it in English?

Hi Paulien, thank you so much for this particular video.

This is the thing we are struggling the most with ... me mostly with understanding why my boyfriend does those mean things, especially why and how come he can be mad at me when I'm hurting with something already, how it can even be this way ...
We have healed a lot in last few years, a huge part thanks to your videos, it is almost just this issue still remaining, and now it will be a lot easier for me to not take this personaly, 'cause I finally understand where does this even come from and I will be able not to become defensive and with that trigger him even more. And we will get off that roller coaster much faster or won't step on one in the first place ❤

paulien you are soo sweet its makes me feel soo in love with you deeply you just need a real macho men like to be there and strong for you ;)

They have this incredible capacity of being empathetic. Unless when they are triggered, she dumped me after i told her to try to be empathetic to a thing that happened to me in the past and was connected to the present. She told me she did not think she could be empathetic. She was triggered when she told me this. She was very mean. Now after the 3/4 weeks mark, i reached out to her with a light text. She texted back. I did this only because from what i read or listened, the FA has the tendency to not reach out because of the fear of rejection in their mind. Hoping she knows that text was just to break the wall of rejection down. Hoping she would process her feelings in the next weeks. Now the ball is in her court.

hi paulien!! can we do EFT whenever we want to or is it only effective when we're having bad thoughts?

i do different sessions of EFT, each covering different things: fear of abandonment, judgement, rejection, the feeling of not being enough and to let go of the walls that i put up on my heart. right now for example the only emotion that is coming up a little (very little, because i'm distracted) is the feeling of not being enough, so i'm doing EFT focusing on this aspect. but can i also explore all those other aspects i mentioned even though i'm "ok" with them at the moment?

your content has been saving me. thank you so much ♥️🇧🇷🌻

oh jesus christ hahaha i did not know i was this

Plz will u do more on this topic , I would love to understand better why I can be so mean yet feel so so responsible for everyone’s feelings and welfare at the same time. It’s so hard to really understand myself and at this point sheer will
Power to just not be mean is not working-
Thank you so so much Pauline, you are a God send

I have a question: i seem to be identifying with the FA style but i notice that the intimacy that doesnt drag me awah is sleeping on call with my partner (i asked for a break so idk if she still wants to be with me or if after ahe chooses to leave) and watching a movie. What could this mean since i relate to pulling away while wanting intimacy or a deeper connection ???

You sound dismissive avoidant.

The fawn response is more common than fight in FAs

Everyvideos today I watch from you, I cry out of nowhere, it feels freeing, thank you ❤ all that you share help so mich to realise I am not crazy kind of

Love your vids in understanding the FA but can you make more videos or at the end of your videos give some tips for the PARTNER on how to handle these bhaviors of the FA? ❤

moved to tears in the last minute or so - thank you so much paulien!!!

Hi Paulien. Thank you so much for making these videos. I am very empathetic and also can be VERY mean. But I truly don't understand when I feel nothing. For example, when something really terrible happens to someone else, I sometimes don't let it penetrate me at all and have to "act" upset for them. I assume this is a defense mechanism because I am a very caring person, but it makes me feel really bad, like I'm a bad person. Any insight into this behavior?

This describes me to the T. Thank you for your honest sharing. For those who have also been traumatized, but still tried very hard everyday to be a “good person “, I honor you and sending you so much blessings.💜✨🙏

Thank you for this--I needed to hear it.

You’re beyond amazing, I was loosing myself to guilt over things that I did that seemed right!

Thank you for creating this account and posting videos about healing the fearful avoidant attachment style. 😊I do not have the money to go to therapy so this really helps a lot. My attachment style pretty much ruin almost all of my relationships whether it's platonic or romantic.

You nailed it with the survival mode observation. It feels like I'm at the mercy of my primitive brain. I call that mode "the lizard", (or, if I'm looking to verbally assault someone in a mean effort to create an airtight argument, that's the 'lizard attorney") From a mindfulness standpoint, noticing the lizard is coming out, and naming it, I can arrest the cascade. ("Uh oh. It's the lizard.")

she made sure I saw her with her ex tonight, i sent her a long email just looking for closure and hoping to get her to take responsibility for some of the hurt ful situations she caused between he and I and intead of doing that she made sure I saw her with him when i showed up to a mutual friends birthday party... it was owas incredibly hurtful and i lashed out immediately...she did it to him a while back using me and i didnt realize it...

oh thank god I discovered this video, thank you for your work <3 this was the exact thing bothering me and worrying me

I'm very impressed. You are so young and you have learned so much in such a short time. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences!

Thank you.❤

Are you sure you are not confusing sympathy with empathy? Research shows that when we have a shared experience with someone our ability to offer empathy goes down because we make it about ourselves. When you mentioned the secure attachment they have the most empathy to give because they know that empathy is not taking on others emotions . They allow others to share how they feel and being free from the experience prevents making it personal. Please test it out, experience lowers empathy and becomes clouded with our own experience and then this becomes sympathy instead of empathy.

I really love you. It’s so good to know. I really hope I can get past my own bitterness. Because I am so capable of love. If I just don’t let fear consume. Thank you for making these videos. Without I’d be so sad and confused

You owe it to people not to treeat them like shit, you may be triggered but that does not justify your actions it mearly explains it take a step back take a deep breath and take accountability for your actions something that in my experience is very difficult for fearful avoidants, taking resposibility for bad behaviour or admitting having done wrong equals being wrong and that translates to you are wrong and tha is weakness and that is unacceptable. When in reality taking accountability is being strong and admirrable, seek your accountability and heal as a result.

I love the work you're doing Pauline you are brilliant keep up the good work, but I do find myself disagreeing with some statements that you make that to me doesn't seem healthy, they seem like remnants of your fearbrain that you've warped to fit your current narative, the things I think of mainly are they way you talked about friends and your time it was something in the way you said it that just seemed privlidged and superior but and especially in context with the words that we don't owe any one anything, and that messange in my ears can do alot of harm.
If it's a harmful belife you still cling on to ask yourself how does it benefit you to keep that belife?

Depending on the situation we may very well owe someone something it is contextual and I feelt that was just a strong avoidance of accountability that so many times can be so dangerous.
I don't know if you're going to read this, but I want you to know that I did not write this out of malice but out of concern and love.
I admire you and love that you're helping people become more whole, take care of yourself. <3

When I first met her I thought she was very empathetic. Until she started developing feelings things changed. So my experience is different that they are empathetic. I find most times I got more fears projected onto me then her truly see my point of view. It were often a collection of her insecurities projected onto me without even checking with me, or asking for my inner world. And whenever I would express a need or feeling, it was often dismissed because she knew me better than me. Yet she really identified herself as a empathetic soul.

Great video — I really appreciate your content. I agree with the idea that we are not responsible for the entirety of someone else’s pain, and that healing begins within. But I struggle with the notion that we don’t owe compassion or empathy to others — especially in relationships. If our actions have been hurtful, dismissive, or damaging to someone’s well-being, then yes, we may not be responsible for all their pain, but we are responsible for the impact of our actions — especially if they involved betrayal, dishonesty, or neglect.

Turning inward to give yourself love and compassion can be deeply healing, but it doesn’t erase the pain caused to the other person. I’ve experienced this firsthand — how an ex could focus so much on forgiving himself and prioritizing his own healing, while barely acknowledging how his actions affected me. That kind of self-focus, when it completely bypasses accountability, can actually feel retraumatizing.

Agitators, or those who caused harm, are often already quite good at centering their own needs. Sometimes, what’s more healing — both for them and for the people they’ve hurt — is to also stay present with the impact they’ve had. Facing that truth can be part of the real work of healing.

I saw both in my ex and it's been hard to mentally consolidate as per which is real, could both be real. He could be very sweet and very emotionally intimate, and also very cold, absent, and in the end.. the discard was incredibly cruel as I was very sick. It really hurt my soul. I am choosing to forgive, let go, pray for him, and see him as a traumatized person. Its sad. I really did love him with all my heart. I hope he gets some healing. I saw everything that was done to me though, done to him in his family. Very sad.