The Invisible Pressure on Women & Mothers

I've always appreciated you and your channel and perspective
I've been watching your videos since my divorce was still new to me.
You taught me a lot about how to love and show up for myself , as I'd almost always been in a relationship since adolescence. I've been struggling through the heartache of it all and courts are expensive and I've lost all my money, even my home and I've lost custody and everything I had fighting for my rights as a mother. Toxic masculinity has dominated and ruined my marriage and opportunity to be mom and I'm worried for my daughter and son and what their lives will look like and what rights and perspectives my daughter will have in a world that seems to be quieting the female voices
I continue to keep hope in my heart that I can spend time with them again I miss them so much every minute
Can you talk about healing and stuff more? Can you keep encouraging me in my fight? Can you continue to show up online like my virtual big sister? I look up to you so much. You really are helping my ❤️ thank you

Whoa. Needed this this morning like you wouldn't believe. Literally texted the words "mental load" to my husband not even 10 minutes before I saw this. The mental load REAL!

This is such an important conversation to have with ourselves and each other. I loved this video! Ironically had it playing while I cleaned the house 😂🩷

Great talk and very important topic for discussion right now. For anyone struggling with people-pleasing tendencies and personal boundaries, I'd like to recommend a book called 'The Highly Sensitive Person's Guide to Dealing with Toxic People' by Shahida Arabi. This book helped me understand a lot last year and view my relationships differently.

This was really beautifully articulated.

Thank you <33 good morning ☀️

It's anything but invisible. People amd society can be very vocal about it. By the way do not poison yours with the ykw

So I am the later stages of parenting and this is hitting home really hard right now because my daughter is going through a mental health crisis, and everybody is looking at me to make sure that she gets better more than my husband and her brother and all the other people in her life and that is a huge amount of pressure. I’ve definitely felt a lot of guilt on how she even got here which I know isn’t healthy or helpful but it is what it is. There is a massive amount of invisible, and I would say visible pressure when you’re a woman, and especially when you’re a mother to problem solve everything.

Very well said. I have been struggling with this same thing as a mom and partner. It’s a journey to heal that part of ourselves that carries so much internal pressure. We also have to filter out the external pressure from our lives in any way that we can.

Never thought that almost 5 years of my thoughts can be put into 52 minutes video ❤

You are so right though. We get told we are immature for not having kids all of the time. We have a dog. She is our kid

I felt seen... Thank you! ❤

This really hit the spot, literally have been thinking/feeling so burnout lately due to everything you covered and more. Slowly trying to make boundaries to help me out, but is definitely a struggle as I'm used to just doing it all, but also on just being able to ask for help is something I think that we as moms have a hard time doing.

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THANK YOU ♥️♥️♥️

I'm gonna be honest, I couldn't watch this whole video, it was frustrating. I wasn't frustrated at you, but at the subject because these roles are taught from the moment the sex is known. Boys clothes are made to be durable and play in the mud, girls are made to look pretty, boys toys are cars and dinosaurs etc, girls are dolls and cleaning supplies. This isn't a conversation against men, it's a conversation against societal norms. Me and my husband have discussed this and how when he was growing up, none of his brothers were taught anything about home keeping, his mum did it all, and they never even noticed, whereas I was taught early on. Even now, we split the house keeping, but he will still ask me "what needs doing?" Admittedly I enjoy cleaning, but the fact he doesn't just look around and see a table full of clutter, or dishes need to be put away, frustrates me. I wonder if it ever frustrates you that if you don't feel like cooking (and being pregnant thats probably often) ryan doesn't offer to cook, you get takeaway instead. Especially when you probably force yourself to cook more often than not, just so it's not takeaway food.
Again, this isn't a hate on him, or my husband, or even men in general, it's on society, and how that's ok for men to do, but not for women to do.
Another thing is the whole "when men are sick they whine, but when women are sick they get on with it because who else will do it" yes because men are allowed to rest, women aren't! We need to teach our boys that if the woman is sick, allow her to rest and take initiative about the house keeping and family, otherwise the sick woman will always be doing it.
Sorry this is so long, and probably rambling, but this conversation is frustrating and it's something I don't think men even think about unless women bring it up

Thank you 🩵🫶🏼

I am a big fan and used to listen to your podcast every week. I must say that I get tempted more and more to stop just because of how many adds you are adding… half of the episodes now (on podcast version) are adds and it just cuts the flow and it’s sad.

Loving the conversation so far! Just wanted to mention something tho. You touched on humanity‘s history with a hunter/gatherer society. I just recently came across a study debunking this myth.
To quote a CNN article about this study: „Of the 63 foraging communities examined, 50 had records documenting women hunting. And in 87% of those societies, the records described planned, intentional hunting. Women hunted game of all sizes, “with large game pursued the most,” the study authors reported.“
Essentially, the narrative of “men were hunters, women were gatherers” seems to be made up to support and rationalize the roles and stereotypes of our western patriarchal society!

One of the things I loved when I moved to the Netherlands and went to a classmate's house was seeing the father super involved in the dinner making process. That is a mental image I held on to and wanted for my own future. I want US to make dinner for OUR family. And granted, nowadays we look at what makes sense workwise, but my partner always offers to help and I absolutely love that.

Amazing video, relate to most of it ❤
Love this video, never felt so understood!

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I love this conversation! I want to add the perspective of someone who has had a miscarriage, missed miscarriage and stillbirth. There's still the pressures to snap back in my body, carry the mental load of house duties, and the pressure to hope I can finally be a mom. It's like.. I don't fit in either group. Mom or Not mom.. I'm somewhere in between. It's something women don't openly talk about and it is.. so.. lonely. My pregnancies always lined up with yours so it it's fun to see what life could have been <3

You’re very well spoken as always and I really appreciate your insight on this topic. Being a woman can be an intense, layered experience in its own and dealing with so many societal expectations on top of that is draining. I have so much respect for you and all the mothers in the world especially. I have observed so many mothers take on the weight of their children and entire families, sadly with little appreciation at times, as if it’s expected to be a thankless job. I recently made the decision that I want to be childfree and that’s brought up its own set of judgement from others. It seems no matter what we choose, it’s never right or enough in many eyes in society. I’m feeling liberated in making this decision for myself based off my wants & needs only. Each day I feel myself breaking away more from what’s expected of me while I tune into the whispers of my soul guiding me on a path that I feel truly aligned with. Thanks for this content, I enjoyed it very much. Girl power 🫶🏻

I am so glad you talked about keeping your income because I want to and it makes me undesirable at church. I agree that the economy we live in today requires a dual income household. Many of the men I have dated would like me to give up my income and be a stay at home mom. I love my job and I have been working on my career for a long time and I want to keep my benefits and retirement. I do also agree what is expected from women, especially moms, is to then also manage the household. I am not a mom yet, Lord willing, and I give the women who do it all much admiration and respect. I don't know how you do it all or how I would if given the opportunity.

Same thing goes for women going through perimanapause. People expect you to stay the same person. But your hormones are changing who you are. Just with certain things though. If that makes sense.

Definitely feeling seen and heard!!! Sometimes I feel the physical weight of all of this on me and I physically carry it!! It is stressful and hard not to get mad at your partner when like you said, they do other important things that need to get done- but it’s hard when allllll the little details are up to you. My husband has no idea what size shoes/clothes my sons wear, he doesn’t know where their laundry gets put away in which drawers (not that he couldn’t figure it out) but those aren’t things he does or thinks about! Men often don’t think about the last time the fridge or oven was deep cleaned or last time the kids went to the dentist. These are mostly women’s tasks. Like you said, I’m not sure if there is a solution- other than being able to find women who understand the struggle. Men do have important and worthy jobs- but they just have no clue about the hundreds of “tabs” we have open and running in our brains 24/7!! It does not stop.

Can you talk more about social norms and having a healthy relationship? Learning not to care what others think and living your life your own way and being ok with iy

So spot on

I’m so so thrilled that you made this video Kalyn 💕 thank you for speaking up for all of us!

as a new mom i really needed to hear this and sit with these truths
thank you for your vulnerability and motherly wisdom!

Yupp

I remember when I was pregnant, many people asked if I planned to quit my job to "stay at home". Funny how no one ever asked my husband that question, when - at the time - his salary was about half of mine. I was always sarcastic with my response and say "Oh! Is that an option?!". Now people say "It's so nice that you can work while still taking care of your child"... like, no one ever tells my husband how "nice" it is that he got to keep his job and still be an involved dad (which he very much is). The invisible pressure is crazy! 

Also, I read Mama Rising earlier this year when you actually recommended it on your channel of 'books you planned to read this year'. I thought it was great and seriously touched on so much of that pressure. Thank you for recommending it.

Wanted to drop a book rec: How To Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis; she touches on a lot of the same concepts and social expectations you brought up in this coffee talk. The audio book version is really great to listen too, as well.