Why Avoidants Prefer Situationships And Casual Dating

Adam, what about a Situationship after kids, marriage and a divorce? What about a Situationship in round two when you’re already 40?

That is how Elom Musk's ex wife described him.

As someone who was avoidantly attached and has worked to be more securely attached Another reason why we feel encroached upon is sometimes people in our upbringing made us feel as though we were created strictly to make them feel good and be responsible for everything they did or felt. Part of the fear is that in our intimate relationships, our partner will use us as an emotional crutch or comforter and essentially objectify us in a way where we are forced into the position of constantly "caretaking" others who seek to mesh themselves to us or expect us to mirror everything that they want. We just don't want our identity completely encroached on.

Actually, the data shows that married women die younger than single women. Only men benefit from committed relationships.

Thank you, so much for this video. I spent 7yrs with someone who just wanted to be fwb. I definitely lost my self worth because during those 7 years, he made all these girls his gf. I’m now 34yrs old trying to pick up my pieces and find my self worth. It really destroyed me. This video validated me. Thank you. 💗

My father was an attachment avoident or prehaps a narcissisticlike. Can't you be both?

I can honestly say that I've never been in a situationship for any significant amount of time. Lack of commitment and lack of desire for a commitment from my partner is a serious turn off/non-starter for me so as soon as that was clear, I knew it wasn't going to work and walked away. Thank you for all that you do to help people. I find your videos interesting and immensely helpful.

This hits spot on…. Wasn’t certain exactly what was happening but I knew SOMETHING was off with my husband…. Super attentive/totally into me/ us until shortly after the wedding. We dated only 7 months before we married. Then he started using the word….” Boring” a lot in reference to our relationship…. Me, him etc….” Both of us are too Boring to cheat”…. His ex wife cheated off and on for 14 years of marriage…. He LOVED/Hated the dopamine rush of playing detective, catching her…. Breaking up-back together, mind blowing
“ makeup sex”…… another affair ….and do it all over again. A stable and calm marriage with disagreements ( but no one tipping over furniture and throwing things at each other) is BORING to him. Very very difficult scenario to navigate from my perspective. We are both in our early 60’s, I’ve been widowed for 10 years prior to meeting him and he had been divorced 10 years…. Everything was beautiful during the dating phase…. I assumed it would continue. Apparently I was totally incorrrct. :(

BRILLIANT! I think all my relationships were “ situation ships” no real intimacy even my brief marriages! I have lost so much because of it - the stability of a family and finances . Thankfully i did have children but they suffered because they never got the dad they needed / he was incapable of that level of c😅mmitment and honest intimacy for any length of time!
I see now it’s MY issue that kept ME gravitating to these situationships / my deep abandonment and intimacy fears ! I’m 60 years old , alone, depressed, broke and 😢wounded on so many more levels now. It’s hard to believe there is any hope for my life! 😢

Not just men, I am an avoidant woman 🙃 which is why i clicked on this video. “Oh you’re so independent” nah dude, I’m just not bonding because I’m going to break up with you before Xmas 😂

This is a gem.I am an avoidant ,being dreading and even judgemental of intimacy,trying to turn secure and have engaged in situationships my whole life !
Nothing has hit me as hard as your video and also the long term effects in the health that you are mentioning.
This was indeed the confirmation I needed to start changing.

Thanks so so so much 😊

"A relationship in fact, but a situationship in name." That is exactly what it feels like. Hitting all the marks of a committed, monogamous, long-term relationship without every "committing" to it by name.

I put up with a "situationship" for most of this year, and it was only because I knew he was a Dismissive Avoidant. I figured in time of being with him, he'd stop being fearful that I was going to get him attached and leave. Didn't happen that way. His issues are deep, and even though I'm a relationship coach and a Secure, there is no patience in the world available to help this guy change.

He's a lovely person as long as our "non relationship yet relationship" was on HIS terms. And the worst part was, I was SO PATIENT and only asked for the most basic from him: follow thru when we make plans, don't be a jerk to me, treat me with respect and communicate. He just could not follow thru on plans we'd make. And honestly, I know he had immense anxiety every time we'd meet up, because he actually really liked me and enjoyed spending time with me, and that scared the crap out of him!

But, even I, as strong and patient as i am in myself and what I have to offer, could Not deal with his Avoidant behavior. It's just too much. And I was kind and supportive and loving with him, but it doesn't matter if they cannot handle emotions! Or being ACCOUNTABLE. It was too much.

In the end I'm not mad or sad. More disappointed that even though he would tell me how amazing and incredible I was, he just does Not have it in him to "tow the line". So, he'll go back to his usual routine of love bombing innocent naive women that have no idea about Attachment Theory. And he'll continue having meaningless sexual "situationships" because that's all he can handle.

I feel sorry for him, but happy I didn't waste too much time. I'll move on and find a Secure man who is able to have a real, emotional connection, and solid communication (beyond sex) in a loving relationship.

I was nice trying to help him, but thankfully not stupid. You cannot make anyone change, even if they know better. They have to want better and actually work at changing.

This is exactly what my ex did and i broke up w him after 4 yrs seeing him only monthly..he swore he was going to marry me and i broke his heart..but he was never showing me he wasnt afraid... he seemed insecure and rude and always condescending and maki g fun of me ....but i couldnt deal w his lack of movement.... i kept breaking up w him to get him to move and or communicate and it was the only times he would show more actions...i got aick of helping him communicate his feelings and now he swears he did anything wrong and just says im narcissistic...i told him im done chasing him. He was loyal and so was i but he had secere issues with communicating and money was just thrown at him as a child and poor communication w parents....often he preferred being alone.

so what if I jumped into marriage, wounded and destroyed my partner due to my doubt in my marital decision, and just now realize I am dismissive and fearful avoidant if that combo exists…who has regretted jumping into marriage for the last 6 years… I’m a bad person? I committed but once I did was terrified. I know it’s horrible. It makes no sense. But also at the same time maybe it does. My parents divorce when I was 18 and off to college was a traumatic experience for me. I feel like I’ve had a situational mindset this whole time. not fair to my spouse. He’s 31. I’m 35. No kids. 6 years lost.

Only person on earth who is on avoidants side is Adam ..
I see lots n lots n lots of negative traits, immaturity (not coming out of their childhood wounds)

Adam, Please speak to seniors past 70 in “situationships. “ Do you have any thing at all for us ?

I’m a 76 year old female in a situationship” for six years, is there anything at all you have to say for women like me ?

what about the severe fearful avoidant woman? she has two adult kids and could not wait for them to be adults and become independent - she said she loves them tho but wanted them to become independent. I eventually walked away after a few months of seeing this through, it was unsustainable. looking forward hearing your point on it.

I know an avoidant who is very self-aware and actually said he has a fear of intimacy. I'd be lying if I say that I haven't considered that he's just being manipulative. It's hard to tell, but honestly I don't think he is being consciously manipulative. His picture should be next to the definition of avoidant lol. And I'm saying this as an FA.

The DA man I'm with now had a really hard time getting to a point where he felt safe with a label. That was pretty much our only issue. He wanted a monogamous situationship strictly because he didn't want any expectations put on him. He basically said he can barely handle his own emotions nevermind somebody elses. Why that was weird to me was because we were close platonic friends who confided and were there for each other for many years before we started dating, so why the shift? He had immense feelings of anxiety around the idea of relationships. His view is as soon as you label it, it goes down hill and he didn't want that.

At first I walked away because I'm very black and white. Either you're together or you're not. But then he said okay lets try this, but I could feel his anxiety around us at all times. It's like his body was preparing for the inevitable ending. We showed nothing but love towards each other, but I didn't like how uncomfortable I knew he was. I was also an unhealed FA who created a lot of stories in my head, true or not, so that wasn't helpful. I left again because I realized I needed to heal my attachment...alone.

Now, all is good. I no longer felt anxious or fearful after healing a lot of my attachment and he started to feel at ease once I showed up more secure and relaxed and we made it official again several months ago. Now when he gets anxiety, it's more so from outside things and I just smile, put my hand on his chest and say it's okay. He just takes a deep breathe and it's like you can literally see the anxiety fall out of his body.

Bottom line, both of us were too anxious and one of us had to show up more calm and level. ❤️

Thank you for your videos. As someone who has loved an avoidantly attached man deeply for 2 years, these videos help me to understand myself a lot better but also him. With that knowledge, I have the power to decide what best next steps are for me. Thank you.

I am currently in a situationship (9 months now)and just realized he has avoidant attachment which now explains everything. Every time i asked him what we are he said he didn’t know yet it was too soon. Yesterday he told me that he was not ready for a serious relationship but that he is not opposed to meeting people and with time seeing where it went. He was married before that that only lasted 2 years. He has not really had any long term relationships other than his ex wife which he lasted a total of 5 years with. I do not want to give up on him as last week he told me that he needs therapy because he feels he has a problem that needs fixing before he gets into a serious relationship. I do have hope that we van get through this and get the help he needs so with time we can put a label on our situationship.

Adam, omg you’ve basically lifted the veil to a greater understanding of the last 3 years of an on again/off again situationship with my fearful avoidant ex. We had a horrible breakup 4 months ago and I’m healing, mad, sad and trying to logically understand how something so good could get so bad and be discarded like we never existed. Thank you for your video. It really spoke to me and brought a lot of clarity and insight into what I’ve been experiencing. Thank you. 💔

I am in a situationship, and whilst it is very challenging, it is worth it to me. Having said that, I am not looking to have children in the future. If I were, this would absolutely be a no-go. I am not reliant on it turning into a relationship. Ladies, if you want children and marriage, I agree.. leave.

Great video. Was in one with a DA for 2.5 years. I decided to walk away recently after he abandoned me again. I am not mad at him. He is a good person. But I am older and I don’t have the time to walk the journey with him. I pray he will find someone who can and willing to.

You can love from a distance

Thank you

I see a lot of people in the comments talking about people who won't put a label on the relationship. The thing about my avoidant partner is that he does all of the boyfriend things — he entered a relationship with me, says he wants to marry me etc. He just won't deepen the connection. He only texts me never calls me and we don't have deep conversations. It's like he wants a marriage that's in a permanent honeymoon stage, which isn't realistic. Whenever I've had a hard time, he's always made me feel alone.

It's sad because I'm considering leaving the relationship eventually, even though he probably won't see anything wrong with our relationship. I've tried to tell him how I feel, but he doesn't seem to understand what I want. I genuinely think he's not a bad guy, he's just never had truly intimate relationships in his life

This is so true. I went through menopause aged 32. So you never know when your time is up to have a child

Looks like you got my man perfectly!!!!😂

Hello Adam: Please make more videos about Avoidant Women and Anxious Men.

Im 50 hes 66.
So older.
I have grown up kids now.
Im trying to understand him.
He is loving but just doesnt want serious.
Should i stay?

I had the opportunity to have a great life, kids, I have a career, lots of friends, good health. My DA has had cancer, is an alcoholic, enmeshed with his alcoholic family. I know he feels generally miserable. Every time I see him he looks in decline. When we are together he tries to forget all these things, he gives me the best of himself, but although I would be devoted to him if he would open himself to a real relationship with me, he is so scared. All of his decisions are fear driven. The difference between him and me is that despite similar rough childhoods, at every turn where I chose to risk and strike out on my own, he chose using fear and did not escape whatever poor situation he was sucked into. I understand because there but for the grace of G, go I. He now wants to have kids but his age and his finances and all the choices he has made now culminate in his being alone. He had a bunch of brief flings and then years with another DA where there was no intimacy and basically she didn’t even see him when he got sick. This was the point when we started our situationship. It works only because I don’t want marriage and kids. I did some sleuthing and found out all his deep dark secrets right away and told him. Whatever fears he has about being seen and judged, and someone saying the L word, it’s already done. I’m still here. It’s probably the safest he has ever felt. I realize I’m working out my daddy issues with him and also, I see myself in him, and this has been a real learning experience. Sadly, I love him so much but setting each other free isn’t going to change anything for anyone in a good way. We are both older. Timing for family etc isn’t a concern. So we are happier with each other than without for now.

When Elon Musks mass markets sex robots, avoidants can finally leave other people alone because dealing with a real live human being is obviously not their thing. Emotionally healthy people know that real humans have needs and emotions that will always need to be dealt with.

That was deep. I've never heard of situationships before. Or avoidant people.

What other "types" are there? How do I learn what I am?

"Scared and aroused." That was a really simple yet powerful eye opener.

Thanks for putting this together!

Instead of communicating they'll string you along until you figure it out that it was a situationship and you were never supposed to get pregnant and when you got pregnant they emotionally disappear and abandon and neglect you because they never wanted a child to come out of it. And when the child is born they become absent and they never learn or know anything about that child because they're not connected to their children and the child will forever be a mistake to them because that child was never supposed to exist and it was a fling ( mind of an avoidant)

Wow! This is so spot on!

Situationship in name, relationship in fact.
Avoiding monotony, gotcha.
I coined it as: McD context w/ 5* expectations... mega mismatch.

These men that get off on situationships are actually being deeply deeply disrespectful and cruel to the other person. If they actually cared about anyone but themselves, they'd see the toxic cruelty in their behavior. Then they wonder why no woman wants them. Jeez idk maybe because they're narcissists.

You talk so much sense ! I’ve been in a situations ship for five years after coming out of an abusive one. I’ve tried everything including pretending not to “ push the river “ putting up with being dumped so that my partner can date other women. Him texting other women while we are supposed to be together because I’m too intense … changing goal posts , controlling him and not giving him space. I have three girls who cared about him too and it’s hurt them to see me hurt every time he pushes me away. Yes the dopamine addiction yoh talk about in this video is real … I come home after weekends together totally lived up only to be left stranded until he decides to hook up again …
Now I’m addicted and hurt and want to move on but am finding it so difficult while he’s out having fun with his friends and ex ( he doesn’t see a problem as we are just friends with benefits and I know where he’s at. It’s affecting my mental and physical health and althpugh I’ve tried everything to explain how it can be different he doesn’t seem to care and is hyper independent ….

I’ll keep watching and hopefully it will give me the strength to move on .
Luckily I have three girls and I am so grateful for that. Thank you for your video

I thought he was the dismissive avoidant. The more I watch your videos I see it is me. Maybe we are both this way and that is why 8+ years and last year's break off has really been terrible for us both. Thank you for making these videos. It's helping me truly.

As always, you speak so directly and so clearly to my experience. Everything you say resonates with my experience with a previous lover that I was with 6 years ago, and my ex-boyfriend that I broke up with a year and a half ago. I've decided to stay single and celibate until further notice, to heal from the heartbreak over the damage of these situationships.

FA+INFJ+ADHD+Sapio+Demi. Perhaps as a result of all these casual is a def NO for me.

Three-year, on and off situationship and counting. Pretty sure he cheated on me during our first run and likely when he'd ghost for months at a time. ... It's taken time, but I've only discovered more of his lies. It feels gut-wrenching and soul sucking. He's completely aware of who he is. May God continue to help me extricate myself out of this nightmare that came at SUCH a devastating time in my life post divorce/my mom died of COVID.
I highly admire your work. Thank you

I need to watch this everyday to drill it into my head that a situationship is not going to help me reach my goals in life

Seem some comments about 5 yrs 6 yrs 8 yrs plus I’m 3 years in and it’s driving me nuts 😂😢 seems I’m wasting time and risking pregnancy with someone who may disappear 😢